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Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous: Is It Really for Everyone?

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Although I wouldn’t consider myself a sex or love addict right now, I may have felt differently in the past. In fact, I can proudly say that I am happily married to a person that I truly love.

Recently, my job wanted me to attend a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. I wasn’t going there to get professional help but to be an observer of the meeting, take notes, and find out more about this program. But as I sat through the meeting, it surprised me how I could strongly relate to the people and stories in the group.

All About SLLA

The meetings for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous are designed like your typical 12 step meeting that you’d expect from any Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous group. Last week the women’s meeting in Greenwich Village was very familiar. The women held hands and prayed the serenity prayer as a group.

Even more interesting, it was a really diverse group physically, by background, and by sexual preference. Some attendants considered themselves sexual anorexics. Others were addicted to romance and fantasy. And still others claim to be in recovery of their personal issues that they kept to themselves.

Janet, the fictitious name of an attendee at the meeting, confidently called herself a sex addict. She said that she started out addicted to drugs and alcohol but straightened up her act in her 20s and became clean and sober. Something was still missing once she removed the chemical addiction from her life and ended up becoming a sex addict.

Her life and her relationships experienced many crazy ups and downs. She didn’t discriminate between men and women although she considers herself straight. She once had a torrid affair with her best friend’s husband that was completely humiliating and traumatic, but also made her feel alive, destructive, and filled with adrenaline. At the end of the day, she was hoping to find someone to save her and fill up the hole in her heart but that never happened.

Sex and Love Addiction: What Is It?

Unfortunately, many people have a difficult time setting healthy relationship boundaries. These boundaries even become extreme on occasion, and that’s when you should consider it a potential sign of being addicted to love or sex.

Sex and love addiction characteristics include the following:

  • Using sex to emotionally manipulate others
  • Using sex because you fear true intimacy
  • Using sex because you’re afraid of commitment

Even worse, many sex and love addicts repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of ending damaging and hurtful relationships, they come back for more even when the experience is incredibly painful.

Alcoholics use booze as their weapon of choice to self-destruct. Drug addicts use opioids, crack cocaine, and other addictive substances. Sex and love addicts hurt themselves through dangerous and harmful liaisons.

Licensed clinical social worker and relationship expert Sharyn Levine understands the challenges of dating. She warns people that when dating patterns begin to appear, and you keep reliving the same relationships with different people, it indicates obsessive and addictive patterns.

Levine also believes that love and sex addicts get confused in the midst of relationships. They believe sexual intensity is the same thing as emotional intimacy with a long-term partner, but this isn’t really the case.

Many sex and love addicts are preoccupied by romance, fantasy, or sexual intrigue. Or they could potentially identify as sexual anorexics by avoiding emotional, sexual, or social nourishment from a giving or receiving standpoint.

Levine feels that in order for sex addicts to avoid feeling, they use the act of sex to numb themselves. It provides a surge of neurochemicals that diminish uncomfortable and negative feelings, the same way that alcohol and drugs do for others, or like food might do for someone suffering from an eating disorder.

On the other hand, she believes love addicts want to experience brand-new relationships and the endorphin rush that comes along with them. But these experiences and feelings never last, so they keep reliving the same experience over and over hoping to make an emotional and intimate connection on a deeper level.

How to Recover from Sex and Love Addiction

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, or SLAA for short, was founded in 1976 using the same premise as Alcoholics Anonymous. Just like AA, you’ll need to:

  • admit that you’re struggling with a problem
  • find a sponsor to help you
  • ask the community for emotional support
  • work the steps to achieve sobriety

The major difference between AA and SLAA is the people suffering from sex and love addiction need to decide the best terms for their recovery. Some behaviors might not be acceptable any longer while other behavior still should be. Working with a sponsor will help you define problematic behaviors and uncover acceptable behaviors.

As an example, in the past you’ve maybe had unprotected sex or slept with somebody even though you didn’t want to. These are dangerous behaviors that need to be stopped, so you’ll do find them as problematic behaviors and no longer engage in them.

A contrasting example is to create healthy new intentions to become regular parts of your life while replacing old negative patterns. These behaviors will help you eliminate dangerous compulsions to lead a happier and healthier life.

Showing signs of recovery in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous means you’re becoming more trustworthy, honest, and more accepting of yourself. After taking on this responsibility, people tend to love and accept themselves more. They are willing to take care of their own personal needs before diving into the next damaging relationship.

Whether or not you have a sex or love addiction, practicing honesty, trust, and self-acceptance seems like a good idea for everyone beginning a new relationship.

Levine feels that our culture is very shame-averse, meaning we really dislike shame. Entering a 12 step program means you can finally break the shame cycle. By stating that you have a problem and asking people for help, you’re taking an important first step.

Also, becoming a member of a group of like-minded people is a great way to stay on the road to recovery and get the help you need whenever you need it. The community aspect of recovery programs is often critical for member success. They treat the members like family because after sharing so many personal experiences with them, you start to feel like you know each other at the deepest levels.

Like Janet in our example above, you might not immediately go from addiction directly into recovery. You may travel across some bumps in the road along the way and even develop a different addiction. Just keep growing, keep thriving, and keep working toward your goals. This is a never-ending journey and you may never feel cured of your addiction, but you can keep it in check with the right help.

Filed Under: Sex

Annoying Texts and Dealing With Them

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What’s worse than unsolicited anonymous texts? Those from people you know! We all have to deal with annoying AF people who send text messages galore. It happens and it’s probably the most annoying thing to have to deal with when casually dating.

I get that you’re not happy to have to deal with this type of stuff but that’s the facts of the single life. If you are on the receiving side of all this, then you’ll wanna know how to respond to these annoying text messages. Don’t worry my friend, I’ve got you covered. Here’s how you should be reacting.

Annoying Texting

How To Respond To Annoying Texts

You’ve met someone and you are all for setting up the first date. But it has not happened yet, and no matter how much you like them, they only communicate with you by texting. And I mean constant texting. They are always online for you, answer each text and even share snippets of their day and tell funny jokes that bring a smile to your face.

This is all well until a text arrives that will make you want to throw your phone out the window. If you are rolling your eyes now, then you know what I’m talking about.

How to respond????

Do you ghost them and end up being the asshole? Or you think of something witty, smart and epic that will put them in their rightful place?

My answer is always going for the last option, as serving them a piece of their pie is a great way of answering and either showing them the proverbial door or opening a door for a fun and engaging conversation. Here are some samples of how to create a great reply and get a kick of it.

annoying text messages
Source: https://dribbble.com/Gegeta

“WYD?”

An acronym for “What You Doing?” is one of the least inventive messages anyone can send. If you are not involved in casually talking with them, then they have no base of asking you what you are doing on a random day. It seems they’ve not gotten that memo and you get this text on a random Tuesday night.

No matter what your actual evening consists of, like perhaps knitting a scarf or jacking off, my advice is to answer with some deep philosophical thought, something like the following:

“What a good question [insert their name here]. Are you thinking of the meager human existence? Rotating on a lump of dirt around a fiery star? Or you are really concerned about my actions tonight because you are interested in me?  In that case, let me tell you that at the moment, I’m enjoying the best time of my life.”

This kind of answer will garner two responses: they will get annoyed and will never call or text you again. Or you’ll end up having an engaging conversation involving philosophy, maybe aliens and you’ll be well on your way towards a first date.

“Can I get a selfie?”

Asking someone to send you selfie straight up is annoying and simply put – rude. If the person feels comfortable sharing an image of themselves, they will send it.

And if you receive such a request from someone you are casually texting with and are not in a relationship of any kind, then sending them a selfie is not an option.

Many guys will do and say anything to get a (naked) photo of a girl. Trust me, I know they use it for nefarious reasons. Maybe you don’t mind that someone finds your image, but others def do.

If you know the person, you can share your social network info like Instagram handle or Facebook name, and tell them to get their fill of looking at you there.

“I’m bored, can you come over and keep me company?”

If you are a single person and you receive a text like this, I don’t need to tell you that this does not deserve an answer. But if select to forgo your rule of talking to assholes and decide on an answer, here are several witty answers that will help the recipient break their boredom. One such example:

“Hi [Insert their name here]. Here is a detailed list of activities that I’ll rather do instead of coming over:

  1. Read all the junk email in my inbox

  2. Watch the infomercial channel

  3. Listen to a political campaign

  4. Watch paint dry

  5. Pull my eyelashes out

  6. Get my crack waxed

  7. Listen to the same lame joke my dad has told for the last twenty years”

Feel free to add some more creative responses and be sure that that person will not be contacting you again.

As a precaution, save the list and keep it in a convenient place. You never know when you are going to need it again.

A message with only “??”

Why oh why would someone send this kind of message to anyone? And just a “??,” is flat out impolite. It is more common that one might think, as people are lazy and not usually inventive.

If you find such a message on your phone, and even though it does not deserve an answer, but you still decide to answer it, my advice is to feel free to be a little on the aggressive side and send a clear “don’t mess with me” tone.

Your reply could go something like this:

“Hello [insert their name here]. I’m sorry I did not reply sooner as your double question mark sounded important. I was preoccupied with a thing called life. You know, having things to do and not bothering people with rude texts. I propose you get Spelling and Punctuation 101 and learn how to use question marks correctly first!”

You can think of any kind of similar reply, as I believe that people should be put in their place when they are asking for it. And multiple question marks are one of these things.

Now you know what to do when your phone starts buzzing with annoying texts at 9 PM on a Tuesday and interrupts your alone time. But, you’ll have to estimate how far you want to take your responses. After a while, the texts could simply become a nuisance.

super annoyed man

Conclusion: People Sending These – JUST STOP

You’re not going to be able to avoid these annoying questions. They exist and they will continue to exist – simple as that.

The best thing you can do to avoid them is actually quite simple. You must mention on your dating profile that you cannot stand annoying questions. This will help you avoid most of the nonsense.

The result = freeing up your time for reading more dating reviews and hooking up with local peeps.

Why Do People Ghost Others?

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As you know, I’m all for using dating networks to meet people. But, with that often comes issues that are unavoidable. I’m talking about things like getting catfished and even more popular act of being ghosted.

Now, picture this…you have finally found someone that you find interesting on your favorite online dating platform (probably this one).

Or maybe you’ve met someone at your favorite coffee shop and have been on a first date with that person. Heck, maybe you’re already smashing!

Ghosted

You think everything is going well between you two, and they have suddenly ghosted you. Certainly not a pleasant thing to happen to anyone.

Unfortunately, ghosting usually leads to an annoying feeling, while also lowering your self-esteem and making you question yourself.

I got ghosted

That lady from the MA (2019) movie is creepy AF. No denying that one.

Why is this such a regular thing today? Is it because people are mean and simply don’t care to explain their actions?

They don’t like you and don’t know how to tell you that? Is it done unconsciously or deliberately? Or is it some other reason that goes beyond you, and is rooted in their issues?

Well, today I’ve come to several conclusions as to why people would ghost you and others. Apart from the obvious reason they are not that into you, any decent person would tell you why in an open manner.

For those still scratching their heads, here are the five main reasons why people ghost others. Here’s a big hit…it has nothing to do with you, and everything with them.

Why People Ghost Others So Frequently

Important: these five reasons that people ghost are not in any particular order. I’ve just done what I can to get them all down to share with you. 

Lots Of Personal Issue To Resolve

This is one of the first things someone thinks of when a person begins ghosting them. It could be that their grandma died or some other family issue or they are simply swamped with work and have put dating low, low on the list of priorities. But it’s usually true and is the reason number one for ghosting someone.

The personal issues, no matter how simple or serious will always take precedent over a new relationship that is still in the early stages. This also applies to casual dating and fling hookups. No matter how much fun the first two dates were, the person going through personal stuff will (usually) shift their efforts to solving their issues before they continue with any dating objectives.

Also, people going through personal stuff don’t like their “dirty dirt” being exposed to outsiders. As you are still an outsider in their life, no matter how good you connected on your dates.

They will most likely take the easy route and just ghost the heck outta you. It has nothing to do with you, but you end up ghosted anyway. Not a great feeling, but it is what it is. Hey, you can always be the one doing the ghosting too, right? JK, but for reals…

Ghost Them First

Had Enough Hooking Up (For Now)

Heard the phrase “I’m all worn out?” Well, there is such a thing as being “All dated out.” Going on constant first dates with no real connection, or hookup meetups with no hooking up can be exhausting.

It’s very taxing and testing for people’s patience. When this happens to someone, the obvious thing they do is to ghost everyone they’ve dated recently.

In this case, the phrase “It is not you, it is me,” that people listen to all the time is true. Their disappointments can and do lead to just staying away from the dating world for a while.

Taking a break and looking at things from afar can do wonders to people tired of dating. The helicopter view and top-level analysis does wonders for most. However, it’s def not as pleasant for the ones that end up ghosted.

They’ve Realized It’s Not A Good Fit

The first date went well, you shared a good meal, had a night of conversation and laughs and you think you two are ready for a second date. But the other person is not calling, answering or texting, and after a while, you accept that you’ve been ghosted. Yep, and it is usually after the first date that ghosting occurs.

Unlike corny romance movies and love story flicks, being out of their league is a real thing. Even if you think you think you two have “clicked,” there could be some things that have made the other person a bit timid.

Maybe you’ve talked about your accomplishments and goals in life, and your date has realized that you don’t share the same ideas and expectations.

This has nothing to do with you, and often when people feel unaccomplished in comparison to others, they will opt for the easy way out and ghost someone instead of openly admit their insecurities.

Back To The Ex

You went on a date, but your partner talked about their ex, and not in a bitter tone and they have ceased communication with you after. The chances are they’ve reconnected with their ex and don’t know how to break the news to you. Thus, ghosting seems like a viable solution.

It seems unfair for them to go out with you if they have been thinking about getting back together with their ex.

However, this is not always the case, as sometimes people can get pressured into going on a date with someone new and realize that they want to get back with their ex. This is a situation that you can’t help at all, and you’ll just have to suffer through the ghosting and move on.

ghost me asshole

They May Really Be An Asshole

It is more common to go on a first date with an ass then it is with a decent person. People with less than decent intentions that in reality are assholes will scroll through your social media profiles or even chat with you if you run into each other but will completely ignore all communication. You can even see them on a date with someone else without putting an end on the thing with you.

These are the people that are not worth your time. So you can look at their ghosting as them doing you a favor and freeing you up to finding someone descent that will like you and will most definitely not ghost you.

Conclusion: You Will Be Ghosted At Some Point

Look, face the fact that you’re going to get ghosted at one point or another in your life. There is literally no avoiding it unless you’re married or in a monogamous long-term relationship.

But PLEASE, don’t let that stop you from getting back on the horse and using apps to date casually. Life is too short to let one person dictate how and what you do.

Side note: Ghosted is a popular dating term that’s used today among many others. I suggest checking out this list of fetish definitions as well to learn more.

What is a Transvestic Disorder?

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There are times when I’ve been the sketchy areas of Costa Rica and seen the cross-dressing San Jose prostitutes that linger on the street corners looking for drunk or deviant tourists to either sleep with or rob, and I think to myself – how did they ever get to this point in life?  Today I decided to take a deep look at cross dressing, and actually found out that cross dressing can be a case of transvestic disorder.

Transvestic Disorder Symptoms

The act of dressing in clothing of the opposite gender has to occur over a length of time six months or longer and also cause major distress to the person’s functions, both social and occupational.  What happens when someone suffers from this is that they get urges of the sexual nature, and fantasies come up and provoke them.

It’s not a “must” but this can happen due to a certain fetish, which I went into further on this page:  15 common sexual fetishes that may shock you.

Upon doing research on this topic, I found out that some people believe that transvestic fetishism should be taken off the International Classification of Diseases (ICD.)

What is a Cross Dresser?

This is the most appropriate, and politically correct way to say “transvestite.”  You won’t find many cross dressing females, although you will in males who dress like females.  Then straight men who end up dressing up like women start to develop a pattern of this behavior late in their childhood.  It’s said that up to 3% of men that participate in cross dressing have felt a sexual stimulation on at least on occasion.  However, most men who cross dress don’t do it on more than one occasion.  The act of cross dressing is tied to extreme sexual feelings and arousal that is attributed to the clothing by the way of being a fetish the individual maintains.

cross dressers
Source: Cross Dressers in Chicago Facebook Group.

Cross dressers who have a willing partner who participates with them can have sexual relations in female clothing.  However, if their partner isn’t into it, they may fall into a deep, dark depression or even feel guilty about not fulfilling the sexual fantasies of their partner.  When this happens, it’s also said that the neglected male then gets rid of all the female clothing they own, and then go on a deep dive into the accumulation of other feminine items such as wigs, makeup, and other stuff.

When their partner is cooperative or willing to participate, cross-dressing men may engage in sexual activity in partial or full feminine attire. When their partner is not cooperative, they may feel anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame because of their desire to cross-dress and may experience sexual dysfunction in their relationship. In response to these feelings, these men often purge their wardrobe of female clothing. This purging may be followed by additional cycles of accumulating female clothes, wigs, and makeup, with more feelings of shame and guilt, followed by purges.

Transvestic Disorder Treatment

The only way to treat this is through social support groups and psychotherapy.  However, most people don’t want any treatment and choose to live their life on their own terms. Drugs are not used to help people with this disorder.

Well, there you have it, some info on a topic that I feel is very dark and aloof.  I, for one, am a sick bastard, but I don’t dress up in women’s clothing for any reason.  Okay, I did on one Halloween when I went as Madonna, but that’s it.  Never again.

Oscar De La Hoya Cross Dressing

Just because I spent all this time writing this otherwise uninteresting (to me at least) entry, here’s a pic of Oscar De La Hoya in women’s fishnet!

oscar de la hoya cross dressing

 

Filed Under: Sex

Anonymous Sexting Advice

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Right now, the Coronavirus and COVID-19 outbreak are making it difficult and quite frankly next to impossible to meet someone in person. For that reason alone, the number of people turning to sext apps is literally SKYROCKETING. With that happening, there are more people to connect with and more users to sext with.

However, there are also many more chances that someone will figure out who you really are. See, lots of people using casual dating platforms typically want to do so privately. They don’t want people to know who they are and what they’re up to.

It’s simply an online hookup where two people can remain discreet, private and get the sexual satisfaction they desire. If you’re one of the many that wish to remain anonymous on these platforms, then you need to keep reading. I’ve covered what I believe are the best tips for remaining completely anonymous while using these sexting networks.

anonymous sexting

Best (Yet Simple) Ways To Remain Anonymous While Sexting

Here are the most important tips for remaining anonymous while using a casual dating platform for sexting. You should take my advice and implement all of these tips because not doing so for one could wreak havoc on your privacy.

Keep Your Home Address Private

Look, this one is a no brainer but sometimes people are just plain stupid. Don’t give anyone you meet online your home address. Heck, refrain from giving them any address at all that may make it easy for them to trace you.

There are creeps out there who are stalkers (men and women) so you need to be careful. The good news is that many of the platforms like SnapSext.com (one of my faves) and others have verification systems in place to prevent creeps from even using the service. Either way, keep your address private.

Use Incognito

When logging into these networks via a web browser, it is always best to go incognito. If you’re not familiar with this, it’s a system that keeps your personal browsing history and information private, where it’s not collected at all.

If you’re using your computer or mobile phone, you should use this method. The device does not matter.

Keep Email Private

It’s always best to never give your email address or phone number to this person that you’re sending sext messages. There’s a lot that can be learned from your email address. Someone can find all your social profiles, your phone number, your family history even your credit.

Do not give this out.

Use the secure messaging systems that these companies have created. That’s what they’re there for.

Nothing Physically Unique

If possible, keep your tattoos and face out of the texting equation. These are unique physical attributes that make you who you are and they also make it easy for someone to identify you.

When sexting or doing video chats, keep your face and tattoos or unique physical attributes out of the mix.

VPN Might Help

Some people choose to use a VPN which is a virtual private network. This helps to protect your IP address and eliminate the chances of your location being discovered.

My advice would be to download one of these VPNs and give them a try especially if you’re worried about someone finding out who you are and what you’re doing.

Use A Unique Username

If you want to remain anonymous, then you definitely don’t want to use the same username that you’re using for every other social media and dating network under the sun.

My advice to you is to use unique usernames for every platform. This will help make it harder to connect the dots between platforms. Remember, people using hookup networks often use many. They try a bunch of hookup apps at once, typically.

That’s all fine and dandy, but you want to refrain from using the same usernames on each of them. This will not only protect your identity, but it also increases your chances of hooking up believe it or not!

best apps

Conclusion

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today when it comes to protecting your anonymity during a sexting session. Remember, keep it casual like me but always be safe!