How to Get Laid Today

As you guys know, I pay a lot of attention to online banter that has to do with sex and dating.  Recently I posted my take on a YouTube video that talked about how HiSlut was a scam.  If you ever wanted to read about what type of adult app NOT to join, I urge you to read that.  It was put out by serial dating expert Ryan Malone.  Or, you can just take my word for it.

Today, I was searching for interesting videos on how to get laid.  Not so much because I needed to learn this feat, but more so because I just like to hear what people say about getting laid and what the so called “experts” say is the best way to go around trying to catch some tail.

I surfed into a video by a woman named Stepanka. I like her style because she’s very normal, unlike the experts out there.  She has a rare disease, which she talks about on her channel, and is a dog lover.  She’s quite the character, and I’ve found her takes to be quite interesting.

The video is posted below, but the transcript of the video is posted in case you are in a place where you don’t have earbuds and want to ensure nobody hears that you are being coached up on how to get laid.  That would be quite embarrassing.

Stepanka’s Take on How to Get Laid Today

Speaker: Hey guys. As you guys know, it is Valentine’s Day, but I know for those of us who are single, this can be one of the loneliest, most depressing and hated days of the entire year. I’m going to try to help you guys. I know this is our last chance in order for us to try and get some on Valentine’s Day. I’m going to try and help you guys out and hopefully, I’ll get you some on Valentine’s Day. A lot of guys might be like, “Stephanie, what the hell is some?” Well, I don’t know, if you want some food, then hopefully you can go and have a man get you some food. If by some you mean some, then we can do that too. I’m just going to try to walk you guys step-by-step on how to get a last-minute date for Valentine’s Day because you know what, there’s still time and you should always expect the unexpected.

The first way that I would recommend maybe trying to find a last-minute Valentine’s Day date is to download Tinder. Even if you are morally against Tinder and you know that Tinder is a terrible place with horrible people, with ex-convicts, with people that you went to high school with that you thought you’d never want to see again. It’s okay, you’re only looking for a Valentine’s Day date. You may have to lower the bar just a little bit, then you get the person that you’re going to hang out with and you’re going to get some from isn’t exactly going to be somebody that you want to spend time with, but you don’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day so you know what, bitch? Lower your standards and go for the guy with the face tattoo, okay? You don’t have to introduce him to your mother. You just have to spend Valentine’s Day with him. I don’t know what’s better, spending Valentine’s Day alone eating an entire pizza by yourself and watching Bridget Jones’s Diary for the 50th time or going out with the guy with the face tattoo. Actually, the first one sounds way better.

What’s really great about just going out on Valentine’s Day with somebody that you met off of a dating app, odds are they’re really not going to contact you after Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t matter if you went out with them on Valentine’s Day or any other day of the year, they’re just not very likely to text you back at all anyways, regardless of the day. You can rely on it being just a one-night thing and never having to hear from the motherfucker ever again.

Next step is very old fashioned. I know this might catch some of you guys off guard but go to a bar. Actually, this is where I have met a lot of men in the past. Now depending on what kind of person you’re looking for, you may want to adjust which kind of bar you go to. If you’re looking for a guy who’s into sports, who maybe is a bro then I would go to a sports bar or like a Buffalo Wild Wings. If you’re a man and you’re looking for a desperate Chardonnay drinking cougar, I would go to a wine bar happy hour. If you’re like me, you just want to go to a truck stop restroom and- just kidding. No, you’re going to go to maybe a hotel bar. That sounds horrible, but actually, I have met a lot of people at hotel bars. What’s really great about hotel bars is usually they’re on business, they’re traveling so you’re never going to see them again. Not that I have done this but I actually have hung out at hotel bars before and I’ve been approached by traveling businessmen. I could just tell A, they either think I’m a prostitute or B, they just want to have a one night stand. If you’re really looking for a quick, easy hookup, especially on Valentine’s Day, go to a Hilton or a Hyatt and hang out at the bar. The bartender is going to be like, “Are you staying here?” You’re just going to be like, “No.” That is actually some fabulous advice.

The next step is going to be something that you may not have really thought of. That is just to pick up your phone, go into your contacts and look for that random name that you’re like, “Who the fuck is this person?” Now, I feel that way about a lot of the contacts in my phone. Who the hell is Paul? I know who Paul is. We don’t want to call Paul. Neil? No. Who the hell is Josh? This is a great one, British dude. This contact has literally been in my phone for like two years. I have no idea who this person is. We’re going to call him up and we’re going to find out who is this person. Let’s see if he’s British.

Voicemail: Sim to like a mobile voicemail system. Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. At the tone please record your message. When you are finished recording you may hang-

Speaker: I think I remember who that is. Scratch that. That was a fail. On to the next step. Slide into a random guy’s or girl’s direct messages whether it be on Facebook or Instagram. Now let’s take example from this guy, Iqbal. Iqbal has gotten a pretty good head start for Valentine’s Day 2018 because he’s been non stop messaging me since March 2016. Now that is some persistence. I think if any of us can learn something from Iqbal, it’s to never give up on your dreams, even if that means talking to a girl on Facebook that lives on a completely different continent and also supposedly has a made-up husband. Iqbal, I never said I have a husband. I don’t know why in your head you made up that I have a husband. Is this some weird fetish of yours? Do you want me to have a husband? Iqbal likes to spend his entire day on Facebook Messenger waiting for me to log on so he can repeatedly call me and annoy the shit out of me, but I appreciate his persistence. Maybe the lesson here is less is more. Maybe don’t message the person that you want to get with on Valentine’s Day 100 times and call them repeatedly even though they keep ignoring your phone call. Maybe that’s a little creepy. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know.

I guess the last step is if you want to get some on Valentine’s Day is to just pick up your phone and call up your local pizza delivery service. Getting some pizza is probably the only thing that most of us will be getting on Valentine’s Day. Pizza won’t hurt your feelings, pizza won’t break your heart and pizza is delicious. Who knows maybe your pizza delivery guy will be your Valentine. That is some advice on how to get some on Valentine’s Day. I hope you guys enjoyed this video. I think that whether you are single, or have a boyfriend, this Valentine’s Day you should just appreciate the people that you love in your life, whether that be your mom, your dog, yourself. Celebrate all sorts of love on Valentine’s Day not just romantic. That’s going to be it for today’s video. Thank you guys for watching, booby shakes. Click the thumbs up button, subscribe to my channel. I will see you guys in my next video.

Bye

Pizza, I want pizza, I want pizza just about more than anything

Pizza, I love pizza, I love pizza just about more than anything.